Research and Insights from the works of Dr. John Gottman, PhD. and more…

This blog is a bit of a change of pace. My name is Nicky. I’ve always been intrigued by the study of relationships since I was a young man. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized I needed to fully envelop myself in this field. A lady once asked, “Do you study and prepare for driving an 18-wheeler (CDL)? Yes, then why not study and prepare for marriage then.” A few years ago, my Spiritual Father introduced me to some of the work of Dr. John Gottman, PhD. AKA the Godfather of Emotional Intelligence. This is by far, in my opinion, the most important study of life. It’s so important that I believe all couples should be required to study marriage, relationships, emotional intelligence, masculine/feminine dynamics/polarities, and female/male psychology. The very infrastructure of our society is entirely dependent on healthy families and healthy marriages. Yet, writers such as Coach Corey Wayne, author of The 3% Man, suggest that even though more than (50%) half of all marriages end in divorce, how many of those (47%)  “standing” marriages are actually happy, satisfied, and healthy?

Some of Gottman’s books that I was introduced to early on were “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” as well as a few other ones about Emotional Intelligence. 

My goal is not necessarily to share my experiences with relationships but rather share research, studies, methods, tips, books, and teachings I’ve gathered over the few years that I’ve been studying this. I’m no expert by any means, but I do hope this blog serves you well. This is ultimately something that both Nathan and I would like to research, learn, and pursue more of. Why is the study of relationships and marriage so important? Simple, the divorce rate epidemic. There are clear reasons why over 70% of divorces are initiated by females, and 80% or so of those women are often college-educated. I believe 100%, without a doubt, it is the over-feminization of men and of our society as a whole. So many men (simps rather) idolize and place women on a pedestal. Some men hardly even establish boundaries anymore; some men tolerate constant disrespect from a woman all the way from the first date and still chase them only to give more power to their ego. Where is the self-respect? Where is your spine? You can be a gentleman, just not a doormat.  The men are to blame for the majority of failed marriages. Our Value lies in our strength. We are supposed to lead, we are supposed to be the rock, stoic, centered, grounded, unmoved, unphased, unperturbed, calm, cool, collected, unreactive and emotionally stable under any form of pressure, which ultimately forces the woman to feel safe and feel a deep connection for her man. For some of the bitter men reading this, stay until the end. There’s a lot to cover. Yes, it definitely takes two to tango, but it’s easier to take accountability for what you can control (your emotions/actions//attitude/beliefs), to learn, to move on, to change, and to grow for the better. Sometimes, we dwell, and individuals tend to enjoy despair and misery a little too much. I hope to provide you with a plethora of research, tips, and recommendations from the world’s best relationship specialists.

The Key Principles of Dr. John Gottman’s Work:

The Four Horsemen:

Gottman identified four negative communication patterns that can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy:

1. Criticism: Attacking a partner’s character instead of addressing specific behaviors.
2. Contempt: Expressing disdain or lack of respect, often through sarcasm or mockery.
3. Defensiveness: Responding to criticism with counter-criticism, making it difficult to resolve issues.
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from conversation, leading to emotional disengagement.

Tip: Awareness of these behaviors is the first step toward change. Couples can work on replacing these negative patterns with positive communication strategies, such as expressing appreciation and taking responsibility for one’s actions.

The Magic Ratio:

Gottman’s research suggests that healthy relationships maintain a ratio of 5:1 – five positive interactions for every negative one. This balance helps to buffer against conflicts and strengthen emotional bonds. Any higher or lower ratio showcased consistent problems within relationships.

Tip: Couples should actively look for opportunities to express gratitude, affection, and support. Keeping a “gratitude journal” where each partner lists things they appreciate about the other can help cultivate this positivity.

Emotional Attunement:

Gottman emphasizes the importance of being emotionally attuned to one’s partner. This means recognizing and responding to their emotional needs and states.

Tip: Regularly check in with your partner about their feelings and emotional needs. Use open-ended questions such as, “How are you feeling today?” or “What do you need from me right now?” This fosters a deeper emotional connection and understanding.

Repair Attempts:

Successful couples are skilled at making “repair attempts” during conflicts. These are efforts to de-escalate tension and reconnect emotionally.

Tip: Create a list of personal “repair attempts” that work for you and your partner. This can include humor, physical affection, or taking a break to cool down. Make a commitment to recognize and utilize these strategies during disagreements.

Shared Meaning:

Gottman suggests that couples create a shared sense of purpose and meaning in their relationships. This involves discussing values, goals, and dreams.

Tip: Set aside time for “state of the union” meetings where you can discuss your relationship, aspirations, and areas for growth. This practice helps to align your goals and strengthens your emotional bond.

Now, Let’s Dive Deeper into Why Most Marriages Fail

Marriage is a complex institution, and various studies have sought to understand why many marriages fail. Research indicates that approximately 40-50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce, with rates varying based on demographic factors, including age, education, and socioeconomic status. Below are some key details, studies, and statistics that explain the reasons behind marital failure, with references to Dr. John Gottman’s work.

I’m going to be discussing a lot about masculinity; it may seem that I’m implying that women want this ultra-masculine, assertive men when, in reality, it’s the calm, cool, collected, almost nonchalant, take-it-or-leave-it attitude if you will. Unattached, but grateful to be there and have a good time. It makes them feel more safe and allows her to trust that he’s not controlling, if he truly is what he appears to be. That is true masculinity. Non-reactive and observant, but strong, fun, funny, confident, and humble. A savage but a gentleman. Like James Bond. I just wanted to make this very clear: this is from multiple relationship experts.

Here’s Why Some People Eventually Get The “Ick”

“It’s the Psychology of Attraction.. Everyone gets the Ick: attraction is fantasy, you are attracted to who you think they are, or who you want them to be. Your desire for someone is based on a set of assumptions, who you think they are. Then they either confirm or contradict your fantasy as you get to know them. When they do something that proves your fantasy, you love them. When they do something that contradicts your fantasy, you get turned off. That’s why some of the simplest things can be a turn off. Like, when someone is rude to a waiter, they are showing you in that moment that they might not be as respectful or empathetic as you thought they were. Or, when he chases after a ping pong ball, showing he might not be as calm, cool and collected as he actually is. If you watch and listen, people eventually show you exactly who they are. So if you want to avoid the “ick,” take things slow. Build attraction around reality, not who you want them to be.” – Chad Goodman – Relationship Scientist. 

Key Reasons for Marriage Failure

Communication Issues:

Poor communication is often cited as a leading cause of marital dissatisfaction and divorce. Couples who struggle to communicate effectively may experience misunderstandings and escalating conflicts. Men speak more overtly and straightforwardly, whereas women speak more covertly. It’s a different language. Learn to be more curious about your partner, and ask GOOD questions. Never be disrespectful, especially for things they can’t change. Become genuinely curious about your partner’s life.

– Gottman’s Research: Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship researcher, identified that successful couples engage in constructive communication, whereas unsuccessful couples tend to engage in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, which he refers to as the “Four Horsemen” of the Apocalypse in relationships.

Lack of Emotional Connection:

A decline in emotional intimacy can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment. When partners feel disconnected, they may become dissatisfied with their marriage.

– Gottman’s Findings: In his longitudinal studies, Gottman found that couples who maintain a strong friendship and emotional connection have a higher likelihood of marital success. He emphasizes the importance of “turning towards” your partner’s bids for attention, affection, and support.

Too Many Expectations:

Many individuals enter marriage with unrealistic expectations about love, conflict resolution, and their partner’s behavior. Disillusionment can lead to disappointment and frustration.

– Study Insight: Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that unrealistic expectations about marriage can lead to dissatisfaction and increased likelihood of divorce.

Financial Stress:

Financial problems are a common source of conflict in marriages. Couples who struggle with money issues may experience heightened stress and tension in their relationships.

– Statistics: According to a study by the American Psychological Association, financial stress is a significant contributor to marital dissatisfaction, with around 30% of couples reporting that money issues were a major source of conflict.

Infidelity:

Infidelity is often a critical factor leading to divorce. Betrayal can severely damage the trust and emotional bond in a relationship. According to Gottman, most infidelity is a result of loneliness, a lot of the four horsemen are present during this, a lot of distance then leads to a deep loneliness. Most infidelity starts from one member becoming extremely avoidant of conflict, resolution, or tough conversations. The people who had the greatest tendency to have affairs were people who would compare their partner negatively to somebody else out in the world, like the barista in their coffee shop, “Wow they gave me a great smile, my wife never smiles at me like that.”

– Study Findings: Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family indicates that infidelity is cited as a reason for divorce in approximately 20-25% of cases.

Lack of Conflict Resolution Skills:

The inability to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner can lead to ongoing resentment and bitterness. Couples who engage in destructive conflict styles are at a higher risk of divorce.

– Gottman’s Contributions: In his work, Gottman emphasizes that successful couples are able to manage conflict effectively, employing techniques such as compromise and understanding rather than escalation and avoidance.

Life Transitions and Stressors:

Major life changes, such as having children, job loss, or health crises, can put additional strain on a marriage. Couples who lack resilience in navigating these transitions may experience increased dissatisfaction.

– Research Insight: A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who adapt well to life transitions are more likely to maintain a healthy relationship.

Reclarification of Dr. John Gottman’s Research:

Dr. John Gottman’s work has significantly contributed to our understanding of marital dynamics. His research includes:

The Love Lab:

Gottman conducted observational studies in his “Love Lab,” where he analyzed couples’ interactions and identified patterns that predicted relationship success or failure. His findings revealed that the ratio of positive to negative reactions is crucial; successful marriages tend to have a ratio of 5:1 any more or less = potential issues.

Predicting Divorce:

Gottman developed a mathematical model that can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy based on couples’ interactions during conflict discussions. His methods, which include assessing physiological responses, have been influenced in the field of relationship research.

Let’s Explore The Dynamics of Masculine and Feminine Psychology in Marriage

Marriage is often viewed as a partnership that thrives on balance, mutual respect, and complementary roles. The interplay between masculine and feminine psychology plays a critical role in shaping the dynamics of romantic relationships. Understanding these psychological frameworks not only sheds light on the nature of attraction but also offers insights into why many marriages succeed or fail.

Defining Masculine & Feminine Psychology

There always has to be a balance between the masculine and feminine polarities. When there is too much of an energy imbalance within a relationship, the energies have to get shifted and rebalanced. Sometimes this forces the woman into her masculine position, which most women do not prefer to be in, in turn, this causes the man to become more feminine and passive. (Coach Corey Wayne) I do believe, yet again, men are the culprit for marriage failures, it’s the overfeminization of men. This is also why I believe bringing some form of self-control, chastity, and patience into a relationship is essential. Once sex has no power over you, it’s much easier to think clearly, observe, and not be deceived by infatuation and lust.

Masculine Psychology is typically characterized by traits such as assertiveness, independence, and a focus on problem-solving. Men are often socialized to be providers and protectors, nurturing qualities such as strength and decisiveness. The paradigm encourages a sense of responsibility, accountability, and leadership within relationships. As we mentioned earlier, masculinity is also calm, cool, and collected. James Bond.

Feminine Psychology, on the other hand, is generally associated with nurturing, emotional expression, and relational focus. Women are often socialized to prioritize connection and emotional intimacy, fostering an environment where empathy and understanding are paramount. This dynamic encourages the development of emotional literacy and the ability to navigate complex relational landscapes.

It is essential to note that these traits exist on a spectrum and are not strictly limited to one gender. However, traditional gender roles still influence many relationships, and these roles can provide valuable insights into marital dynamics.

I want to add in some of my own personal experiences and interviews with dozens of divorced individuals. 

The majority of the women I have interviewed complained that the men were either one or more of the following below:

Overtime…

• The Man Became Boring & Too Predictable

• The Man started becoming Too Needy, weak, and Too Emotional
• The Man Showed a Lack of Strength, Masculinity and really started to let himself go. Perhaps he lost his drive and ambition.

I do believe that yes, men can get “bored” and can find women to be too “predictable” as well, it goes both ways, for most of it, not all of it. We will dive into anxious/avoidant attachments at the end of this blog, which in and of itself can make someone start to attach their identity to a label (Anxious/Avoidant). I also do believe the men who complain about women being “too emotional” are sometimes experiencing a lack of masculinity on their part, and/or they just simply don’t understand women. Not everything is black and white; there are definitely a lot of rabbit holes we can dive into on these topics. I always try to refrain from using over-generalizations, but I must say, it is truly fascinating to study all of this!

“To be a man is to bear the responsibility of all things.” — Jerr

Dr. John Gottman was once asked if you had 30 seconds to pick 1 thing to strengthen your marriage, what would it be? He said, “It would be to ask your wife what her dreams are.”

Coach Corey Wayne states that you must love in such a way that the other person feels free. So, how do you love and be unattached? We will delve deeper into that more soon..

On top of that, a man showing a lack of appreciation towards his wife was a very common complaint as well. Appreciation towards a woman is like respect towards a man. It is also very important for a woman to show appreciation, especially if the woman finds herself focusing too much on the negative. A woman wants to be felt, seen, heard, and understood. She wants you to be present; she craves your masculine presence. (CCW)  She most definitely wants to be appreciated for who she is, what she does, and everything about herself. Something else I would like to speak about is that Confidence in a Man is like Loyalty in a Woman. Yes, both parties should have both, but it is very important for a man to maintain his masculine frame and be confident in his own skin and his skills. Most men will look at some of the primary reasons why 70% of divorces are filed by females and assume, well it’s the woman’s fault, they shouldn’t divorce for such miniscule things. The “little things” do matter. I’ve had men explain to me their unfortunate experiences with multiple divorces. The issue was the majority of them failed to show any form of accountability and continued to live a bitter life of resentment towards women or that specific woman (Goes Both Ways). Some dating specialists suggest that the only way to maintain long lasting healthy relationships with women is by captivating their mind, where the heart and body follow.. Your.. Lead.. The issue arises when men assume being a dominant male = controlling, which is generally rooted in deep insecurities such as inadequacy.

There are half truths on both sides, it seems that today, people just want to hate on relationships and promote a polyamorous or rather non-monogamous, hedonistic, unfulfilling lifestyle of degeneracy. What a scary place to be, and you cannot blame them with the state of perception that the modern world has on marriage/divorce. This lifestyle will NEVER satisfy you. The flesh is never satisfied. Most men I meet have given up on the idea of marriage or long-term relationships. In my opinion, most of them want a pity party. Ok, I’ll stop… I think people are starting to forget our very society depends on healthy marriages and families.. The point is, it’s very obvious why the majority of people give up on marriage far too fast and easily nowadays. Most people look forward to seeing what they can GET from a marriage/relationship rather than focusing on what they can give without expectations.

Social media is another modern technological advancement that can potentially wear on someone’s soul and destroy relationships. It can be like playing with fire. It seems to be a huge influence on the overly inflated egos, which we are seeing more prevalent in today’s society than ever before. Constant stimulation, seeking validation, attention, and approval. So many individuals think that they have so many high quality options waiting at their doorstep, we have become so picky nowadays. Sometimes, when we get into a relationship, we can’t shake the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome without even beginning to water our own lawn. Whatever happened to gratitude and humility? Is that not sexy anymore? Speaking of social media, statistics also show the dangers of couples having friends of the opposite sex. All I can say is this: I have NEVER met a “guy friend” who didn’t eventually admit to me that he would sleep with his lady friend if given the chance. Sneaky, diabolical, and cowardice. I believe there was a study done, don’t quote me on this, that showcased that men who had female “besties” had something along the lines of 80-90% less testosterone on average.. Something to consider. This is the furthest thing from a masculine man. Social media also leaves us easily distracted and oftentimes drained, killing our connection with our specific person.

There is a balance when it comes to attraction. It isn’t always greener on the other side, in fact, it hardly ever is, context of course. Most of the time, it’s the sly little voices of the pride demons whispering in our ears, planting seeds and fantasies in our imagination. You don’t have to entertain these thoughts, actually, it’s our duty to deny this nonsense because most of the time, these outlandish thoughts aren’t even ours. Perhaps they are subconscious manifestations of all the undealt insecurities. We all have our insecurities, but allowing them to consume us is what’s so toxic for everyone in our own lives. What seems to be rarer nowadays is authenticity, honesty, and integrity. So many people simply fake who they are. I believe this is a direct result of the overvalidation people receive from social media and dating apps. Value is being artificially inflated more than ever before. Remain vigilant.

The thing is, I don’t believe in “The One.” I don’t even think that’s biblical or taught anywhere, traditionally speaking. Actually, Dr. John Gottman does not even believe in soulmates. 69% of all problems in a relationship are perpetual; they never go away. That means one person has different lifestyle preferences or personality factors that may collide with their partner. So, does that define a soulmate? I don’t think so. It defines two human beings that choose to commit to each other. The bottom line is that what it comes down to is not only the chemistry and stars aligning but also all the sparks that happen initially. It’s more along the lines of what Dr. John Gottman is talking about and that is, “Is this person there for me most of the time? Do I have enough trust in this person and myself that I can be fully myself and not have to hide so much of myself to the side? All of me feels accepted, even if parts of me aren’t necessarily “compatible.” Gottman believes 30-35% of relationships are actually happy. He says they learn to solve the problems that are solvable and let go of the ones that are unsolvable.

I do believe that we must focus on preparing ourselves for marriage and ultimately becoming the best version of ourselves before we try to make it work with that specific person. I can’t stress this enough: the importance of studying relationships and the nature of the opposite gender. Marriage is a commitment, a sacrifice, there will be temptation, you have to die to yourself in a sense where you are denying your worldly passions that aren’t congruent with monogamy and your goals. I wish this was taught to me as an adolescent, but the goal is to share this information with the masses, especially the younger generation. Not many people actually prepare for marriage. You are choosing every day to show up for that person and building a life together, sharing the vision. You’re a team working towards a goal, but you also have your own dreams. You have to grow and play together. 2 is better than 1.

Now that I am Christian, I don’t believe we should be playing marriage before being actually married. There are plenty of statistics in regard to the efficacy (lower chance for divorce) of bringing chastity to a marriage and not moving in together until you’re married. Some studies suggest there is also a direct correlation between a body count and the success of a marriage. There is even research showing that partners who pray over each other have the lowest chance of divorce. I’m going to repeat this many times. I believe that the majority of divorces can be prevented when the man begins to take initiative, lead, and start taking care of his own body, mind, and spirit so he can better take care of others.

It seems most women are just simply a mirror of their man: they often want to push him to be his best, but most men get defensive about this and get stuck in complacency. My Spiritual Father once told me that a Leader is Humble. A man must humble himself or be humbled in order to be a true, strong leader. A true leader is dependable, humble, reliable, strong in all aspects under pressure, driven, diligent, unmoved, unphased, and unperturbed. He’s confident, stable, capable, respected, valued, and adored, and people look up to him. A Leader will not only provide but also protect his wife, his family, his friends, and his team. This doesn’t mean just protecting physically, but also the integrity of the relationship, a leader avoids putting meaningful relationships in jeopardy, this is why boundaries and communication are so foundational. Our value lies in our strength: emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual strength. It’s a responsibility that most men are unwilling to endure, which can force a woman into her “masculine role.”

Another thing I would like to add is that in modern society, men are taught to be this “nice guy.” However, there is a difference between being a kind-hearted gentleman who has a spine and being a manipulative “nice guy” (there is absolutely nothing wrong with being nice; this is just a specific persona). This specific personality that I am talking about is a man who gives gifts and compliments with expectations and conditions attached to them. If you dive deep into the psychology of the “nice guy,” he is, at his root, actually self-centered and insecure and can often easily lead to frustration, over-reactivity, abuse, and lack of impulse control.

He’s expecting something in return, whereas a truly masculine man gives from the genuineness of his heart. He’s authentic, he gives freely without attachments, he genuinely compliments (but not overly compliments to appease) without any expectations of receiving anything in return. It holds its value, meaning, and worth! Be a gentleman, not a doormat, as the saying goes. I don’t want this to get confused with the idea that men should be arrogant and rude. Quite the opposite. The thing is, when you dive deeper into the “nice guy” persona, it’s actually quite manipulative, sneaky, and often rooted in selfish-driven desires and expectations. Being needy as a man can be viewed as somewhat selfish, too, and is most definitely part of the “nice-guy” persona.

In summary, the nice guy uses his compliments and gifts in exchange for validation, attention, and approval, among other desires and dark intentions based on insecurities, more often than not rooted in pride masked as a virtue.

According to Coach Corey Wayne, author of “The 3% Man,” the primary reason (he believes) for all divorce is, more often than not, complacency in a man. The man was playful at the start, he courted and dated the woman initially, but after many years the fire died down, the man got comfortable, he became COMPLACENT… In Orthodoxy, this can be labeled as “Acedia.” The man also had his friends, his hobbies, and his own personal goals besides just providing. He was driven and filled with vitality at the start, only to evolve into a machine used for financial provision. He inevitably let himself go. We’ll call him Bob :’(.

Here’s a Tip from Julie & John Gottman: John explains, “When Julie comes to me with those 4 horrifying words, “We Need To Talk.” I whip out my notebook in my pocket, with a pen, and I listen and take notes.” Julie then says, “This is great for me too, because then I have to watch what I say because it’s being written down in a book.” I don’t know about you, but WOW!

Another very important thing to mention is that women want to be in a love story. They want to be romanticized. I believe couples, especially men, shouldn’t reveal everything so quickly. Leave some room for mystery and excitement. How slowly can you unfold that love story? Be present, have fun, be in the moment, appreciate, and notice the little things. You don’t have to explain everything right out of the gate. As for marriage, how does this pertain to long-term relationships? You can still apply some form of mystery and excitement in marriage. Get creative. Take your time, cherish the moments, and be spontaneous. Never be too predictable, boring, or COMPLACENT. Get busy with your life because – “An idle mind is the devil’s playground.”

An elderly lady once said, “Ambition is a Natural Aphrodisiac for Women.” The man, more often than not, always showed more masculine traits at the start and actively pursued his hobbies and goals, not solely his career. I believe some of these women that claim they want a “bad boy”, which actually is a fairly common reason for divorce. Really, they just want a man in his masculine frame, perhaps she never had it with him and manipulated him for money, or perhaps he exuded this masculinity at the start and it died off after he “got the girl.” Gottman constantly repeats the need for clear communication. He also discusses how flirting and some playful, healthy teasing should always be present in marriage. Too much comfort kills.

Maybe the man completely stopped all of his “masculine” hobbies and his goals and lost his drive. At the start, he could have shot guns, ridden horses, chopped wood, worked out, snowboarded, surfed, written poetry, read books, actually taken care of himself, and looked his best, leaving him both confident inside and out, but he eventually made her the entire center of his universe losing his identity. No one wants that; it’s not healthy, and it’s a colossal burden to bear for anybody. It shows the man is not willing to walk away if he is extremely disrespected or his boundaries are constantly being crossed, if he had any, to begin with. Have a spine, have some self-worth, and don’t be afraid to check the disrespect as long as you maintain a calm, stoic, masculine frame that’s also assertive when necessary. Women also may find themselves tolerating disrespect sometimes beyond their breaking point. Disrespect is never acceptable to either member.

Maybe the man was more humorous at the start, playful, fun, lighthearted, and in the moment. Again, why am I focusing more on men? Simple, because women mirror the man that they are in love with, focus on upgrading yourself, gentlemen, don’t try to fix the other person. If it doesn’t work out, it’s still a win because you’re becoming a better man! Fixing the other person isn’t going to make you all of a sudden happy and make all of your problems magically disappear for men and women alike. As humans, we are in a constant state of flux, but we must strive to guard our peace, as Elder Thaddeus instructs. For men, maintain your masculine frame, stay centered, continue to grow, and lead accordingly. Lord knows I need to grow. The world needs more rock solid & strong men.

There is actually some deep “alternative” female psychology revolving around this topic and it is very intriguing. Some books claim that certain women will actually, intentionally try to emasculate their man and make him less attractive in hopes of preventing him from being “taken” from another woman, obviously an unhealthy attachment issue. However, over time, this process often leads to them also finding their man unattractive, wild concept, right? I’m not citing this because I don’t think it’s really worth diving into, at least not too much. Haha, I digress. Most healthy women do appreciate a man who takes care of himself and doesn’t stop doing the things he loves in order to spend more time with her. A man also appreciates a woman who takes care of her health and well-being. It’s about quality time, not just quantity.

Here’s the thing, healthy amounts of space is a good thing, couples need space. I think people often forget that very important aspect of a relationship, especially if you plan on being with that specific person forever.

When we look at marriages suffering from empty nest syndrome (Couples who have kids that have grown up and left the house), we sometimes find that the couples start experiencing more arguments and irritation towards one another. This is due to the fact that the children were more of a buffer and distraction, for lack of better words. In my opinion, it’s also because it allows them to be less self-centered, and now their focus is entirely on the survival of their offspring. Maybe the children were that buffer, which allowed them to have some form of space, even if they were “together.” It almost seems as if it creates a magnetic effect of appreciation for one another’s time and presence due to the less frequent occurrences of intimacy and undivided attention the parents may experience when they have kids. It can also be the opposite, where the two start spending zero quality time together and just start to form an autonomous routine. I’ve heard many, many people tell me their relationship got so much better when they had kids. On the contrary, I’ve also heard the opposite, rarely though. It’s probably best to work on your relationship before having kids, though. I digress yet again.

Give each other the gift of missing one another; it’s about quality time (Corey Wayne). Giving space can actually be quite romantic, in my opinion. In conclusion, certain relationships at certain stages sometimes require more or less space between each other. Slow down, why rush something you want to last forever, that love isn’t going anywhere. People don’t always like being suffocated or smothered. There needs to be balance and spontaneity. We will cover this a bit more later in this blog.

I’ve never had a woman tell me that they like being the center of a man’s universe. In fact, I’ve only heard the opposite. It seems to be quite the weight to bear, honestly, for both genders. A man should be focused on his spiritual growth (God), his mission, his purpose, his health, his mental, physical, and emotional strength, and yes, most definitely his family and wife, as well as a few hobbies. Don’t get me wrong, marriage and family demands sacrifice and a sense of selflessness. I just don’t believe one should lose the self that attracted the other in the first place. Children literally depend on their parents’ love and attraction to each other. I also don’t think a man should work endlessly, never having time for his wife/family.

Coach Wayne constantly harps on the fact that “The Courtship Never Ends.” Also, “A Family that Plays Together Stays Together.” Women don’t just wake up one day and lose their complete desire for a man overnight. This is a result of many months, years, and even decades of a lack of growth and awareness, usually on the man’s side. Of course, some women truly are for the streets, but that goes without saying, no matter your gender. Anyone can be evil. Again, there are always exceptions.

One note I also would like to discuss for The Men is that You, as a man, have tremendous value. You can be humble and confident in your abilities. You have value beyond your financial provision. We all hear of too many men that will take whatever relationship they can get, they’re not willing to be patient and observe the woman’s actions over time rather than idealizing relationships based on purely chemistry and attraction. The thing is women respect men who don’t tolerate disrespect and who make them earn the relationship, who are cautious and establish boundaries before jumping into anything, it shows a sense of maturity and careful thought.

Women also respect men who are patient and cautious because it shows that they won’t be so easily swayed with any woman just for her beauty, he takes it seriously and doesn’t give his attention freely or too easily. Beauty and charm is fleeting, there has to be something stronger to sustain long term relationships. I believe women don’t mind a challenge due to so many desperate, easy, needy men lacking worth and confidence in today’s society. In fact, I believe both men and women appreciate a bit of healthy tension for that matter.. This patience and observational ability that men often fail to possess is also based on the feeling of needing someone to complete them. I’ve literally had men tell me they will take whatever they can get… Desperation is unattractive and is not sustainable. As we know, you should only get into a relationship if you are relaxed, secure, confident, and “complete” already as is, rather than desiring someone to “fix” you.

As the saying goes, easy come, easy go. According to Julie and John Gottman, “As a man or woman, I do think that making it too easy for a relationship to establish itself purely based on chemistry and attraction is a recipe for a failed marriage/relationship, one that most likely will not withstand the test of time and conflicts that will naturally arise throughout.” The problem is also that if you earn a relationship, rather than jumping in, you’re more likely to water and appreciate your lawn rather than longing for the “greener grass” facade. From a psychological perspective, I like to use the analogy of someone receiving or being gifted 1 million dollars rather than earning it. How much more do they value, save, cherish, and appreciate that something/someone when they have to put some time and effort into it? Especially if they’re constantly used to being spoiled.

The Importance of Complementary Roles

Role Clarity and Satisfaction: Research indicates that clear roles within a relationship can lead to greater satisfaction. When men embrace their masculine roles – taking initiative and providing stability – and women embody their feminine roles – fostering emotional connection and nurturing – couples often report higher levels of satisfaction.

– A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples who adhered to traditional gender roles experienced less conflict and greater relationship satisfaction than those who engaged in role reversal.

Emotional Safety and Connection: Masculine Men often create a sense of safety and security, which allows feminine women to express vulnerability and emotional needs. This dynamic fosters trust and intimacy, essential components of a successful marriage.

– According to Gottman’s research, couples who cultivate emotional safety through open communication and mutual support are more likely to navigate conflicts effectively, leading to stronger relationships.

Conflict Resolution: The differing approaches to conflict inherent in masculine and feminine psychology can impact how couples manage disagreements. Men may take a more solution-oriented approach, while women often focus on emotional validation. It’s definitely a huge attraction for a capable man to have a wide array of skills and to have the ability to solve problems. She doesn’t always want you to “FIX” her problems, sometimes she just wants to be heard, felt, seen, understood, and for you to be present. When both partners understand and respect these differences, they can work together to resolve conflicts more effectively. It’s not about having an eye for an eye. The goal isn’t to try and WIN the argument, there doesn’t have to be a loser or a winner per say as Dr. John Gottman suggests.

– Gottman’s work emphasizes the importance of “soft start-ups” in conflict discussions, which are more likely to occur when partners respect each other’s emotional needs and communication styles.

Now Let’s Discuss The Concept of the “Masculine Frame”

This one is huge, a lot of modern dating coaches use this word as if they somehow coined it, but fail to reference the man who made it famous. Dr. John Gottman’s research highlights the concept of the “masculine frame,” which refers to a man’s ability to take charge and lead in a relationship. He’s on a mission, he has ambition and drive to achieve his goals and win. This frame can manifest in various ways, from decision-making to emotional support. When a man embodies this frame, he provides a sense of direction and purpose within the relationship, which can be particularly appealing to women seeking stability. There’s a balance of savagery and ruthlessness with a cool, calm, confident gentleman-like essence.

Leadership and Decision-Making: Research shows that couples in which men take on leadership roles tend to have more defined roles, which can lead to reduced conflict. A study in the Journal of Family Psychology indicated that couples with clear leadership dynamics reported higher satisfaction levels. Learn to take responsibility and accountability and become reliable, dependable, and trustworthy. A true leader leads to serve others, his team, and his family to make the jobs of others easier. A fake leader leads for himself, purely for his own personal gain. (Father Moses)

Supportive Partnership

A masculine frame does not imply authoritarianism; rather, it emphasizes a partnership where both individuals feel valued. Men who can assert their leadership while also being emotionally attuned to their partner create a balanced environment where both partners thrive.

The Challenge of Modern Gender Dynamics

As society (d)evolves, the lines between traditional masculine and feminine roles are increasingly blurred. While certain “specialists” may argue that this can lead to greater “equality and partnership,” it may also create confusion about roles and expectations within a marriage. Couples must navigate these dynamics carefully, as failing to acknowledge and respect inherent psychological differences can lead to dissatisfaction and conflict.

Communicating Expectations: Open dialogue about roles and expectations can help couples align their actions with their values. Gottman emphasizes the importance of “shared meaning,” where couples discuss their goals, dreams, and expectations, fostering a deeper connection.

Flexibility and Adaptation: While traditional roles can be beneficial, it’s crucial for couples to remain flexible. Relationships may require partnerships to step outside of their typical roles in response to life changes. Successful couples adapt while maintaining a core understanding of each partner’s strengths, however I do believe men should strive to maintain their masculine frame, always.

The Importance of Healthy Detachment in Relationships: Insights from Dr. John Gottman

In the realm of relationship psychology, the notion of being unattached or maintaining a healthy level of detachment can often be misunderstood. However, Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that a certain level of emotional autonomy is crucial for flourishing partnerships. This concept of healthy detachment does not imply a lack of commitment or emotional investment; rather, it underscores the importance of a relationship.

Understanding Healthy Detachment

Healthy Detachment refers to the ability to maintain one’s individuality and emotional independence while being in a committed relationship. It involves striking a balance between closeness and personal space. Here are some key aspects of this concept as supported by Dr. Gottman’s research:

Emotional Independence: Healthy detachment allows individuals to express their own needs, desires, and emotions without being overly reliant on their partner for validation or happiness (Back to the Happy Wife = Happy Life Rhetoric). Dr. John Gottman’s studies indicate that couples who maintain their individual identities are more likely to experience satisfaction in their relationships.

This is, yet another thing that might trigger some people, however, we are taught in today’s society that we as men are supposed to make our wife happy. As if their happiness were contingent on us. This is a toxic rhetoric that has been preached more than any other relationship advice. This couldn’t be further from the Truth. Your happiness is never dependent on someone. That’s not rock solid, that’s not long-term, that’s not sustainable, it’s suffocating. This is why we believe God needs to be the center and focus of every relationship, something greater than ourselves. It also shows that the man is only happy if his wife is happy, and the wife is only happy if her man is making her happy, which leads to the man placing his wife on a pedestal, prioritizing her over everything and complying with her every desire, command and wish that she has.

Does that sound like a strong, masculine leader? Both members can sometimes become dependent on the other for their happiness. A recipe for failure. I believe this goes back to the 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio. There’s always going to be a dance, a game, courtship, and, yes, some healthy, playful tension. As we explained earlier, the problem seems to be that most relationships fail because the man often becomes complacent, boring, predictable, and needy. Maybe she doesn’t feel appreciated anymore, it is how you make her feel after all isn’t it? Sometimes, this is why a woman will start testing her man more in the relationship, testing his confidence and his compliance. Is he easily pushed off his center? To see if he truly is the man she married and is congruent with who he says he is, who he appears to be, and who she was initially attracted to. Men shouldn’t crack so easily under pressure; our value lies in our strength.

For the women, showing support and patience, being non-judgemental, not using “constructive criticism,” being understanding, and most definitely, always maintaining the utmost respect for him. Men can’t help but melt in the presence of a caring, sweet, gentle, feminine, supportive, soft woman, especially in a long-term relationship. This is paramount for a man’s growth in a relationship. Learn to accept each other’s quirks as long as they aren’t harmful (Gottman). 

Reduced Co-Dependency:

Co-dependency can lead to unhealthy dynamics where one partner excessively relies on the other for emotional support. Gottman highlights that such dependencies can create pressure and resentment, making it difficult for both partners to thrive. Healthy detachment encourages partners to support each other while maintaining their own emotional health. This is why partners need space from each other. As they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Effective Communication:

Being unattached in a healthy way allows for more open and honest communication. When individuals feel secure in themselves, they can engage in discussions without fear of losing their partner or the relationship. Gottman emphasizes that successful couples communicate their needs and feelings clearly, which fosters understanding and connection.

Conflict Resolution:

Dr. Gottman identified that couples who can detach emotionally during conflicts are better equipped to resolve issues constructively. When partners do not take disagreements personally, they can focus on problem-solving rather than on winning arguments. This perspective reduces emotional escalation and promotes collaboration.

Personal Growth:

Healthy Detachment encourages personal growth and self-discovery. When individuals pursue their interests, hobbies, and friendships outside the relationship, they bring fresh energy and perspectives into the partnership. Gottman notes that personal fulfillment outside of the relationship contributes to overall relationship satisfaction.

Strengthening the Bond:

Paradoxically, maintaining a level of detachment can strengthen the emotional bond in a relationship. When partners have their own identities and interests, they can come together with renewed appreciation for each other. Gottman’s research supports the idea that couples who encourage each other’s independence often report higher levels of intimacy and connection.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Healthy Detachment

1. Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote personal well-being, such as long walks, hobbies, exercise, or time with friends. Self-care allows individuals to recharge and return to the relationship with a positive mindset.
2. Set Boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries that respect both partners’ needs for space and individuality. Discuss what personal time looks like and ensure that both partners feel comfortable with these boundaries.
3. Encourage Open Dialogue: Foster an environment where both partners can express their needs without fear of judgment. The woman needs to feel SAFE. Regular check-ins about emotional well-being can help maintain balance in the relationship.
4. Celebrate Individual Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate each other’s achievements and personal growth. This reinforces the idea that both partners are valued for who they are, not just for their roles in the relationship.
5. Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices that promote self-awareness and emotional regulation. Being mindful can help partners detach from negative thought patterns and emotional triggers, allowing for healthier interactions.

Now, this is all the very, very important stuff that we have covered so far. There is still so much to talk about, from anxious/avoidant attachments, letting go, surrendering to God and trusting in God’s plan (or “universe”, I guess… If that’s more up your alley), not being controlling, insecurities and more. I’m trying to say to be unattached to any outcome. We have to cultivate the feeling of trusting in the process and letting go. This is a healthy state to be in; rather than fearing and focusing on things out of our control, focus more on being in a state of gratitude and peace.

Although, by far, the most important focus should be Changing Our Thoughts

So, with that being said, let’s discuss some of Elder Thaddeus’ teachings of Vitovnica, Author of “Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives,” for this part of the blog.

“Our life depends on the kind of thoughts we nurture. If our thoughts are peaceful, calm, meek, and kind, then that is what our life is like. If our attention is turned to the circumstances in which we live, we are drawn into a whirlpool of thoughts and can have neither peace nor tranquility.” – Elder Thadeus of Vitovnica, “Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives (pg. 63).

Elder Thaddeus, a revered Serbian monk and spiritual teacher, profoundly understood the power of thoughts in shaping our experiences and relationships. In his teachings, he often emphasized that our thoughts are not just fleeting mental impressions; they are foundational forces that can influence our feelings, actions, and, ultimately, the quality of our lives, including our relationships with others.

One of the areas where Elder Thaddeus’s insights can have a transformative impact is in how we think about our partners. Our perceptions and thoughts about our loved ones can create a framework through which we interpret their actions, intentions, and words. By adjusting this internal dialogue, we can significantly alter the dynamics of our relationships.

“Our starting point is always wrong. Instead of beginning with ourselves, we always want to change others first and ourselves last. If everyone were to begin first with themselves, then there would be peace all around!” (pg. 64)

“Your thoughts are burdened because you are influenced by the thoughts of your fellow men. Pray to the Lord that He might take this burden from you. These are the thoughts of others which differ from yours. They have their plan, and their plan is to attack you with their thoughts. Instead of letting go, you have allowed yourself to become part of their plan, so of course you suffer. Had you ignored the attack, you would have kept your peace. They could have thought or said anything at all about you, yet you would have remained calm and at peace. Soon all their anger would have died down, like a deflated balloon, because of the pure and peaceful thoughts that would have come from you. If you are like that, calm and full of love, if all you think are good and kind thoughts, they will stop warring against you in their thoughts and will not threaten you anymore. But if you demand an eye for an eye, that is war. Where there is war there can be no peace. How can there be peace on a battlefield, when everyone is looking over their shoulders and anticipating a surprise attack from the enemy?” – Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica – Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives (pg. 67)

“There is a spiritual child of mine I would like to tell you about. He is a layman, but lives a holier life than many monks. I always tell him, “Do not accept suggestions. Tell yourself, I will not think about this! You will see, you will become well versed in this.” And he did. He would refuse the suggestions that came from his thoughts without even going into battle. He has peace. He is physically a very powerful man, who weighs over 220 pounds. But he has peace!” (pg. 72)

Another great one for men:

“If the head of a family is burdened with cares and worries about the future of his family, he will have no peace. All the members of the family will feel his unrest. They will know that something is wrong, but they will not know exactly what. We can see how much our thoughts influence others. Misunderstandings in the family also happen because of our thoughts.” (pg. 68) Whenever I am burdened by problems, and when I try to bear all the cares of the monastery and the brotherhood by myself, then there is trouble in store for me and the brethren. Even the easiest job is carried out with great difficulty. But when I commit myself, the brotherhood, and everything else unto the Lord, even the hardest of jobs gets done with ease. There is no pressure, and peace reigns among the brethren.” (pg. 65) 

This testimonial is quite interesting:

“Once, two women came to me and brought a third who was dragging her leg. She could barely walk. She said that she had been to several doctors, but they were not able to say what was wrong with her. I told her that her nerves were weak. I also told her that mine was a worse case than hers! She said that her husband had left her. “Of course he has,” I said. “Who is going to take care of the children? Who will prepare his meals for him when you are so depressed? You are not physically ill! You are too depressed. Sing! Sing, and your husband will come back to you!” I told her that I was going to the church to read some prayers and that I wanted her to go home by herself. She looked at me for a while and then practically ran to the car. The other two were amazed. “She is well,” I said, “and she no longer needs your help!” (pg. 65-66) 

“People will be attracted by the peace and warmth in us; they will want to be near us, and the atmosphere of heaven will gradually pass on to them. It’s not even necessary to speak to people about this. The atmosphere of heaven will radiate from us when we keep silent or talk about ordinary things. It will radiate from us even though we may not be aware of it.” (pg. 66)

“We long for absolute good and absolute peace with all our heart. In reality, we long for God. God is life; God is love; He is peace and joy. In our hearts, we long for God, but in our thoughts, we oppose Him.” “Here is what the Holy Fathers say about thoughts: “If thoughts that take away our peace assail us, know that they are from hell.” “We must struggle for our own good and strive for peace to take root in our souls – peace, jour, and Divine love.” (pg. 70-71)

“While praying, a person should not have any thoughts but rather become selfless. Even the holy Fathers say this: “While at prayer, behave as though there were no one else in the world, just you and God.” “When praying, we should not be preoccupied with ourselves because, in that case, we are so absorbed in our own needs that we ourselves are detrimental to our prayer. We interfere with our own prayer. We are our own obstacles. We often think that evil is somewhere out there, but if it were not for the evil that already exists in us, the evil “out there” would not be able to touch us.” (pg. 73-74)

“One can easily turn heaven into hell. There was an interesting case that happened a few years ago. A married couple came to me. It was clear that God had endowed them with great beauty. “We have some problems,” they said. I heard them out. The case was that they married each other out of love and had lived peacefully in harmony for a few years. The atmosphere in their family was akin to heaven. Then, recently, they had begun to quarrel over every little thing; there was no more peace in their family. What was worse was that they had a little son, six years old. The child was the reason they had come to me in the first place. They said that the child had totally alienated himself from them and did not even want to talk to them. He only wanted to be with his grandparents.”

“We buy him everything he wants, but he is always silent. We buy him toys, clothes, and candy, and he just grabs it from us, tears it apart, or kicks it. Then he goes to his grandparents, leaving us alone. We don’t know what to do. Otherwise, he is a healthy and normal child. He doesn’t want anything to do with us, his father, and his mother. Why is all this happening?” “I told them that the child obviously did not want such parents. He was constantly searching for his mommy and daddy, but they were never there. “You used to be happy, and you had your parents’ blessing,” I told them. “Your parents had nothing against your union; on the contrary, they had arranged your marriage even before you had seen each other. So you had your parents’ blessing, you married out of love, and there was peace in your union.”

“Your home was like paradise. Now, everything has gone wrong – because of your thoughts. Until recently you were satisfied with what you had, you did not fantasize; but now you look at other women with lust, and you give your heart to these women. Your wife looks at other men and gives them her heart. Now you come together in the flesh only, but not in the spirit. Your minds are wandering in different directions. Thank God that you have not stepped outside the boundaries of your marriage vows. Your child senses all of this, and he does not want such parents because not only have you strayed away from each other, you have also alienated yourselves from him. You yourselves have created hell in your home with your thoughts… It is very painful to have a mother and a father yet not have them. Come back to each other,” I told them, “and be as you used to be. Then everything will be good again.” (pg 85-86) As Coach Corey Wayne says, “Children NEED to see their parents in love with each other. The courtship never ends. A family that PLAYS together STAYS together.

I would like to share the final testimonial from his book with you. Although this isn’t marriage-specific, it applies to all relationships regardless.

“Once a girl came to me. She was a university student, and both her parents were doctors. She said she had problems with one of her professors, who refused to mark her paper. I told her, “Why do you wage war with your teacher? You should respect her as though she were your mother. She is disciplining you for your own good.” The girl would not hear of it. “No, Father,” she said. “That teacher is mean – she’s like this, she’s like that. I give all the right answers to her questions, and all she does is tell me to come next time. She hasn’t given me a mark yet.” I told the girl that her teacher was evidently distracted but that she was waging a war against her teacher in her mind. I told her that she must pray for her teacher, that the Lord might send an angel of peace, and that He might give her the strength to love her teacher. Then everything would be all right. The girl thought I was telling her fairy tales. This went on for another year, and she began to lose hope of ever completing her first year. Then she began to pray for her teacher, and the next time she sat for an exam, she passed and received a high mark” (pg. 69)

The Power of Perception

Elder Thaddeus teaches that our perception forms the lens through which we view the world. When we hold negative thoughts about our partner – such as feelings of resentment, anger, or disappointment – it can lead to a skewed interpretation of their actions. For example, if we believe that our partner is inconsiderate, we might interpret their actions through that lens, leading us to notice only the times they fail to meet our expectations while overlooking their many acts of kindness.

Conversely, when we consciously choose to focus on the positive aspects of our partner – recognizing their strengths, efforts, and love – we begin to shift our perception. This shift allows us to see our partner in a more favorable light, fostering appreciation and gratitude. Elder Thaddeus often said, “If you want to change your life, change your thoughts.” This principle is especially relevant in the context of marital relationships.

Changing Our Thoughts

1. Practice Gratitude: Instead of fixating on what we lack in our relationships, Elder Thaddeus encouraged the practice of gratitude. By regularly reflecting on the qualities we admire in our partner – be it their kindness, support, or shared laughter – we cultivate a mindset that enhances our emotional connection.
2. Empathy & Understanding: Shifting our thoughts also involves developing empathy. Elder Thaddeus taught that understanding our partner’s struggles and experiences can foster compassion. When we see our partner as a human being facing their own challenges, we can approach disagreements with more patience and understanding.
3. Letting Go of Expectations: Elder Thaddeus emphasized the importance of letting go of rigid expectations. When we expect our partner to behave or think in certain ways, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Instead, he advocated for acceptance – acknowledging our partner’s individuality and unique perspective. This acceptance can lead to deeper intimacy and connection.
4. Positive Affirmations: Regularly affirming our partner’s positive qualities can reinforce a loving mindset. Elder Thaddeus believed in the power of words, both spoken and unspoken. By voicing our appreciation and love for our partner, we not only uplift them but also elevate our own thoughts and feelings.

The Ripple Effect of Change

When we change the way we think about our partner, we initiate a ripple effect that can transform our entire relationship. Positive thoughts lead to positive feelings, which inspire loving actions. As Elder Thaddeus noted, “Love is not just a feeling, it is an action.” When we think positively about our partner, we are more likely to engage in behaviors that nurture and strengthen our bond. It’s almost as if we have the capacity to change people based on how we perceive them and what we believe about them.

Furthermore, as we cultivate the mindset of love and appreciation, we create an environment where both partners feel valued and understood. This mutual respect can lead to more open communication, increased intimacy, and a deeper sense of partnership.

The Three Main Conflict Styles:

• Avoiding
• Validating
• Volatile

Julie Gottman says, “Words to use when conflict is getting too heated are, “I’m feeling defensive, can you say that another way?” or “I blurted out the wrong thing, let me start over again.” or “Slow down, I’m starting to get flooded.” Check out the Gottman Repair Checklist…

Avoidant couples are couples that agree to disagree, so they may say what their position is on an issue, but they don’t try to persuade the other person that they are wrong and the other is wrong (Julie Gottman). Julie states, “They don’t try to fight or even just discuss why their position is true for them, so we call those couples avoidant. They can have very good relationships for the most part.”

The second group is Validators. Validators are people who will disagree, and then they will talk through their own position and listen to their partner’s position, but they listen with a little more calmness and rationality. They are calm and kind, and they don’t get explosive with each other as they are trying to figure out a resolution for a difficult situation.

Finally, the third group is called Volatile Couples. They are very passionate couples who will argue with their point of view, they may even get flooded physiologically (fight or flight), they will get very emotional at times, and they will escalate the quarrel to the ceiling sometimes, but basically, they are much more intense and vulnerable as well when discussing a problem with their partner.

Dr. John Gottman goes on to say, “All three styles are fine as long as the ratio of positive to negative interaction in the conflict discussion is at least 5 times as much positive to negative. There is no better fight style, the problems arise when there is a mismatch between partners. One person is more comfortable starting with persuasion and the other one is more avoidant, then they really get into trouble.”

Julie Gottman adds, “Let’s start with the less compatible if you look at the two extremes such as Volatile and Avoidant. Put a couple like that together and you have some struggles. The volatile person is really wanting to get to the solution so they are pursuing the other person to talk about the situation more and more, where the other one is avoiding it because the disagreement is fine and they don’t need to talk about anything. The volatile person doesn’t let it go like a bulldog with a bone. The avoidant person eventually gets overwhelmed and extremely uncomfortable. This almost turns into a pursuer/distancer conversation.”

One is trying to create distance, one is trying to pursue that one trying to create distance, however, avoidant + validating couples do quite well, because the avoidant person is not overwhelmed by whatever the validating person is presenting, the validating person is calmer, more rational, and thus easier to hear. Those two can do very well.

Validating + Volatile are fair, they can do fairly well. The volatile person will really push on the validator to get them very emotional; they want to be met at that high peak emotional state. The validator doesn’t want to go there, so, a mini version of that pursuer/distancer. If the volatile person realizes that when their emotions are at a high peak, validators can have a hard time listening, so they’ll bring down the intensity a little bit to more easily match the validator so they are on a more equal playing field, so they can actually listen to each other, rather than pushing around emotionally. All three types of couples will be fine, again, as long as that magic ratio of 5:1 is there during conflict discussion.

There are 5 types of fights that everyone has.

• The Bomb Drop
• The Flood
• The Shallows
• The Standoff
• The Chasm in the Room (I was unable to find a clear description of this)

Dr. John Gottman says, “The Bomb drop are characteristics of couples that are really in trouble, they store up their grievances, complaints and what not, and when they can’t take it anymore, they start off very harshly, they start with criticism, they start blaming their partner in order to justify their complaints thus describing them in very negative terms. Very harsh start up, like saying “What is wrong with you, every time we talk about this you shut down and won’t listen to me and I’m really tired of the way the house looks, you just don’t take care of things the way I want you to I can’t take it anymore you are careless etc.” It is very difficult for anyone to hear this and actually resolve anything, starting off gently and pointing the finger at yourself, here’s what I feel and here’s what I need from you.

Julie states, “The flood is very typical for volatile couples or individuals, but anyone can get flooded, here’s what we mean by flooding; when you are in a conflict conversation and it begins to feel very critical and blaming to you or contemptuous, you can feel your heart rate/blood pressure rising, and as you get more and more overwhelmed and feeling attacked. What happens when you go into diffuse physiological arousal AKA fight or flight, when you’re sitting in that conflicted state your heart rate may be over 100-150 BPM. It’s like facing a tiger versus someone you love. You can’t accurately hear what your partner is saying, there is a lot of distortion, you’re not seeing accurately, the facial expressions of your partner, all you’re seeing is attack, even if your partner is expressing love.

The antidote for that is that you have TO TAKE A BREAK as soon as you feel those intense sensations such as a tightened chest, shallow rapid breathing, belly tight, jaw clenching, feeling hot, you take a break and here’s how. You ask your partner, I’d like to take a break or let’s please take a break, and you tell your partner when we will come back to this discussion. If you don’t tell them you plan to resolve it your partner may feel abandoned or uncared for. Never longer than 24 hours for the maximum, you have to take your mind off the fight, preferable around 30-60 minutes to reconvene. You do something to soothe to calm you down, walk, run, music, read, meditate, pray and etc. Anything that distracts you from the content of the fight, your body won’t have a chance to metabolize the stress hormones that have flooded your body. Definitely want to avoid having an alcoholic drink or substance to avoid reality.

The shallows, “We have an example in our book where a marriage ends from a fight about getting a dog or not getting a dog, the couple is always fighting about who’s responsible for the dog, taking him out, feeding etc. The dog constrains one’s freedom, they used to explore, have adventures, and they don’t do it anymore. For her, getting a dog is like having a family, they want to settle down and have children with him. He’s terrified of that, rather than talking about their hidden agendas, they fight on the surface, never peeling back the deep layers of meaning.

Julie states, “The antidote of that is having a conversation with a little more structure that consists of the listener asking the speaker 6 questions, questions that go much deeper such as, are there any values or ethics part of your position on this issue that pertains to your past, why is this so important to you I don’t quite get this, help me understand. What is your ideal dream here? You start to unearth their underlying purpose or place of meaning. One person asks all the questions and the other listens, then you reverse the roles.”

The Standoff, the standoff is a very interesting thing, most people think there has to be one winner or loser in a fight, once you have that point of view, your partner’s gains are your losses. Once you have that way of thinking about how to resolve conflict, you become physiologically aroused during the conflict, and your heart rate/BP increases. A lot of these couples surprisingly die young.

The antidote: The couples that were successful in resolving this would first take their position and separate their position into two parts. One part was about the inflexibility they had about these problems, which they could not compromise on because if they did, it would feel like they gave up their bones from their body. Core needs, a dream, an important value to them, deeper things that emerged from that prior discussion of questions and answers. Then they would also name what they were more flexible about, such as the nitty gritty details, who would do what, what about when something happened, how much would something last, where they would go, finances, who, what, where and when, those kinds of questions. From that vantage point, it was much easier to talk about a compromise in terms of the flexibility they each had in their position, where that flexibility overlaps where we can build a compromise that at the same time honors each of our inflexible areas in our position on the area. Our values and our core needs. Unfortunately, I will have to revise this in the future, as I was unable to find a super clear, long description of the Chasm in the room conflict style.

Let’s finish off with a brief overview of Anxious-Avoidant Attachments: Understanding Their Impact on Long-Term Relationships.

Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, offers valuable insights into how early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional bonds and interpersonal connections throughout life. Among the various attachment styles, anxious and avoidant attachments are particularly relevant in understanding why certain relationship dynamics can be unhealthy in the long term.

What Are Anxious and Avoidant Attachments?

I want to preface this topic by saying that not everyone agrees with this anxious/avoidant attachment theory so to speak. Some individuals claim that it is hogwash, and we do agree to an extent, in the sense that people can start to self-diagnose, create labels for themselves, and sometimes attach their identity to that label. If we truly understand how powerful our subconscious mind is and how easily programmed it is, then I would advise proceeding with… Awareness, I suppose… However, there is still some benefit in understanding this concept, as well as several other relationship personality concepts that I may add to this blog in the near future.

1. Anxious Attachment: Individuals with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and reassurance from their partners. They may have experienced inconsistent responses from caregivers during childhood, leading to a heightened sensitivity to perceived threats to their relationships. This can manifest as clinginess, fear of abandonment, and excessive need for validation.
2. Avoidant Attachment: In contrast, those with an avoidant attachment style tend to prioritize independence and self-sufficiency, often distancing themselves emotionally from their partners. They may have experienced caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or dismissive, leading them to suppress their own needs for closeness and intimacy. Avoidant individuals often fear vulnerability and may see dependence on others as a weakness.

The Unhealthy Dynamics of Anxious-Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

The combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles can create a cycle of instability and dissatisfaction in relationships. Here are some reasons why this dynamic can be unhealthy in the long term:

1. Emotional Tug-of-War: Anxious individuals seek closeness and reassurance, while avoidant individuals withdraw when they feel overwhelmed. This fundamental clash can lead to a push-pull dynamic, where the anxious partner’s attempts to connect trigger the avoidant partner’s desire to distance themselves. This cycle can create ongoing emotional turmoil for both partners.
2. Communication Breakdowns: Anxious individuals may express their needs in ways that come across as needy or demanding, while avoidant individuals may respond with withdrawal or defensiveness. This lack of effective communication can lead to misunderstandings and resentment, making it difficult for both partners to feel heard, seen, understood, and valued.
3. Increased Anxiety and Resentment: The anxious partner may experience heightened anxiety due to the avoidant partner’s emotional distance, leading to feelings of insecurity and worthlessness. Conversely, the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed by the anxious partner’s emotional demands, leading to feelings of suffocation. This mutual dissatisfaction can erode the foundation of trust and intimacy essential for a healthy relationship.
4. Fear of Vulnerability: Vulnerability is crucial for long-term, deep emotional connections, but anxious and avoidant individuals often struggle with it. The anxious partner may fear rejection if they reveal their true selves, while the avoidant partner may view vulnerability as a threat to their autonomy. This mutual fear can prevent both partners from fully engaging in the relationship.
5. Loneliness and Isolation: Over time, the emotional distance created by avoidant behaviors can lead to feelings of loneliness for both partners. The anxious partner may feel abandoned, while the avoidant partner may feel trapped by emotional demands. This isolation can exacerbate existing attachment issues and create a cycle of unhappiness.
6. Difficulty in Conflict Resolution: Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship; in fact, they are needed for healthy relationships. It’s HOW you react that matters the most, but conflict can be particularly challenging for anxious-avoidant pairs. The anxious partner may seek to resolve conflicts through discussion and emotional expression, while the avoidant partner may prefer to withdraw or minimize the issue. This can lead to unresolved conflicts and lingering resentment. Julie Gottan states that, “The way you bring up CONFLICT, is what really matters especially when dealing with a person who avoids conflict or “talks.” “Give appreciation first to soften the air first, then, there’s also something I would really like to bring up, say it in a way that describes you rather than coming off strong and overly critical.” “Honey, I think we have a difference in our styles of parenting, I’d like to understand your thoughts about setting limits for our 5 year old, I’d love to hear your thoughts about it, what ways you think are best for setting these boundaries etc.” “Listen to it, don’t rebut it, don’t contradict it, it’s about showing genuine curiosity, it’s about asking the right questions and furthering those questions, how did you develop that idea I’d love to hear!”

Here’s the thing: I personally believe a man should maintain his masculine frame and never resort to using his wife as a therapist, a shrink, or making her his mommy. This isn’t saying that being vulnerable here and there isn’t attractive or healthy for a long term relationship, quite the opposite. However, this simply implies that being too emotional too often is a feminine trait that eventually wears and places a burden on the woman, forcing her into a masculine role, one that she truly doesn’t want to bear, at least indefinitely. Plus, a couple should be growing together, not constantly venting to one another like a broken record. Communication is key, yes, but maintain that 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio that Gottman suggests. My Priest once told me, “The best way to move on and forgive yourself is to change.” Actions speak louder than words. Despair prevents us from moving forward.

Long-Term Implications

The long-term implications of an anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic can be significant. Relationships characterized by these attachment styles often struggle to achieve the depth, trust, and emotional intimacy necessary for lasting satisfaction. Over time, partners may find themselves growing increasingly dissatisfied, leading to feelings of frustration, inadequacy, resentment, and even the dissolution of the relationship.

1. Increased Risk of Breakup: Relationships that are unable to effectively navigate the challenges posed by anxious-avoidant dynamics are at a higher risk of ending. The ongoing emotional conflict can wear down both partners, leading to a sense of defeat and hopelessness.
2. Impact on Future Relationships: Individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may carry their patterns into future relationships, perpetuating cycles of dissatisfaction and emotional distress. Without addressing these attachment issues, individuals may find themselves repeating unhealthy dynamics in new partnerships.

Conclusion:

Understanding the reasons behind marriage failure can help couples and therapists work toward healthier relationships. Dr. John Gottman’s research (among others) offers valuable insights into communication, emotional connection, and conflict resolution, which are essential for marital longevity. By addressing these core issues, couples can improve their chances of a successful marriage.

Sources:

1. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). “The Science of Love: A 20-Year-Perspective.” Psychological Science
2. American Psychological Association. (2013). “Stress in America: Our Families.”
3. Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). “People’s Reasons for Divorcing: Gender, Social Class, the Life Course, and Adjustment.” Journal of Marriage and Family.
4. Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Crown Publishers.
5. Gottman, J. M., et al. (2002). “The Relationship Between Marital Conflict and Marital Satisfaction.” Journal of Family Psychology.
6. Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica. “Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives”
7. Coach Corey Wayne. “The 3% Man”
8. Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
9. Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
10. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. New York: Guilford Press.
11. Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1990). Attachment Style as a Predictor of Adult Romantic Relationships. In Attachment in Adults: Clinical and Developmental Perspectives (pp. 102-119). New York: Guilford Press.
12. Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). “Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
13. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2010). “Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics and Change.” In Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (2nd ed., pp. 608-631). New York: Guilford Press.
14. Shaver, P.R., & Mikulincer, M. (2002). “Attachment Theory and Close Relationships.” In Handbook of Attachment: Theory Research, and Clinical Applications (pp. 623-653). New York: Guilford Press
15. Kobak, R. R., & Sceery, A. (1988). “Attachment in Late Adolescence: Working Models, Affective Expression, and Social Behavior.” Child Development, 59(1), 135-146.
16. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2005). “Attachment Theory and Emotional Regulation.” Emotion, 5(2), 170-182.
17. Levy, K. N., & Ellison, W. (2011). “The Role of Attachment in Romantic Relationships.” In The Wiley-Blackwell Handbook of Couples and Family Relationships (pp. 55-70).

These sources provide a comprehensive overview of the principles of attachment theory, emotional intelligence, masculine/feminine dynamics, long-term relationships, and more.